The Other Thing

The look in my dad's eye's was evident. The feeling in my gut was wrenching. I knew what was coming. I felt as if all of the air in my lungs had just been sucked out and my entire body became very warm. I began to shake on the inside. You know that type of fear that grabs hold of your skeleton bones and rattles them throughout your whole body? That's what was happening to me right then and there. He said, "so, you stole some gum huh?" I considered for a fleeting moment lying. It didn't matter, he wouldn't believe me anyways. I looked at my mother who just sat stoically on the couch. She knew all too well what was to happen next. To my bewilderment however, dad said, "I will give you a choice. You can get your ass beat or the other thing." Now, any of you who have kids will find this an easy choice. I did not know what the other thing was, and I didn't care. I had been beaten for years now and knew anything was better then that. Be very careful what you believe to be true. That is what I learned here. I told my dad I wanted the other thing. He told me to go stand in the corner by the door and face him. Wow, ok, I can do this. Then he told me to take off my clothes. How foolish I was to think "the other thing" was going to be easier to take than his belt, or shoe or whatever else he could grab. I took off my clothes and stood in the corner. I tried to put my hands over my lower area, and I will never forget his words, "no, put your hands above your head." I stood there, baring my body and soul and at that moment he owned me. I was completely and utterly defeated. I will always remember my mom's word's as well, "Sonny, close the door." See, I was standing by the front door and people could have easily seen inside. He sat on the couch and stared at me as I stood against the wall, my hands above my head, my heart and soul crushed beneath his cold dirty drunk hand.

Karen

Karen was a babysitter that I had when I lived on Aldene. I'm not really sure how old she was. I know she had blond hair, and was, on the surface a very nice girl. I felt a sort of closeness to her that I had not felt with anyone before. I was completely unaware of why I felt this way towards her, as I had not known her very long. One day she said she would take me to the store with her. I was more than happy to go with her. I can remember walking through the parking lot of the plaza holding Karen's hand, and feeling an inner smile. I was happy, carefree for the moment. We went into the store, and Karen went off to find whatever she was looking to buy. I found myself reeling in amazement at all the wonderful and vibrantly colored candy bars and packs of gum on display. I picked up a small pack of gum, and without hesitation, decided that it was to be mine, and slipped it in my pocket. As we were walking out of the store, I took the gum out of my pocket, and showed Karen. To my shock, she was pissed. She was so angry at me, and this frightened me. I was worried on many levels at this point. I worried of losing that feeling of closeness with her because she was mad at me, and petrified of her telling my dad. However, I became completely enamored of Karen when she said to me, "take the gum back and I won't tell." I ran for my life. I opened the front doors of the grocery store, and I threw the pack of gum back into the store. I ran as fast as I could back to Karen so that I could tell her I listened to what she said and was good again. She said, "good girl." She played with me for the rest of the day until my dad came home, and I was sad to see her go, but knew she would be back tomorrow. I couldn't wait. Karen took my dad out on the porch and they talked for a bit, and then she left. Two things stick out in my mind here. Karen was a liar, and she was truly unaware of the trauma she had just caused. In all the years since this incident I have hated her for the betrayel and lie, yet I have come to realize that she never fully knew what her telling on me had done.

Aldene III/George Jr.

At this point in time, George Jr was 4 or 5 years old. I do not know where in the landscape of my memories he hid, but during this time of my life, he is not there. Later in my life, I would wish for him to disappear, but not at this moment. This should have been a time for connecting and bonding with my brother, and starting a friendship that would last a lifetime. To this day, the idealism of this close knit sibling bond plagues me. Plagues me, because it would never come to fruition. Yet still, I am searching my mind for this little boy who at the time, had not yet hurt me or taken on the distinct personality of my father. At such a young age, was I so consumed with myself that I didn't really care about him? Did he feel this from his older sister, hence the beginning of a severely broken and unforgiving relationship?
There are many moments throughout my life that George Jr is there and can be seen very clearly. He is, or was, the source of much rage and anger inside of me for most of my life. My concern is still the little boy George. Someday maybe I will see you, and I will see the George I always dreamed about, better yet, the BROTHER I dreamed about.

Aldene II

I heard them all crash down on the floor. He, Sonny, my dad, cleared the table of all the luminaries I had worked on so hard. I then heard my mother say, "those are Lisa's, not mine." My dad did not care. At least that is what he yelled at the time. "I don't give a shit about these fucking cans!" I remember that as a defining moment for me. Yes, I was young, but I knew he didn't care about me. I realized I was not important to him. He began stomping on the luminaries and kicking them across the room, and my mother was begging him to stop. I have no idea how that night ended for the two of them. I know for myself, I cried silently in my bed. I think it was for many reasons. My project possibly was ruined, I had not seen them yet. My parent's fighting, my feelings of complete loneliness, and fear. I was always afraid. I think even of my own shadow.
I am struck by the fact that we lived in this house and I remember a few moments that shaped my life, but I have no recollection whatsoever of my little brother being anywhere around. As hard as I try to close my eyes and take myself back, I can't see him there. Where are you George Jr.?

Aldene

Aldene is the street that we lived on when we moved to Cleveland. The duplex was nice enough I guess. It was the 70's, so I remember this fire orange carpet, must have been the hot thing. I also can see lots and lots of brown in the kitchen, ugly brown. Shiny brown, everywhere. We also had an upstairs. This is where I would hear most of the arguments and the screaming. I could hear them downstairs fighting all the time. Now that I am older, and understand a little about distance and space, Rhonda and her family on the other side of the duplex had to hear this as well. At least then, I didn't comprehend that issue so I had no reason to be embarrassed. Sonny, as everyone called my father was a raging alcoholic. He was a mean drunk, and truth be told, he was mean as hell sober.
I was a member of a local Brownies troop. That's what you are before you become the almighty Girl Scout! I had worked long and hard on a project with my mom making several luminaries out of old coffee cans. We made at least 15 to 20 of these things for my troop. Peeling all the coffee labels off, freezing the cans and punching in different designs with a needle so that we could put our candles in them. They were all sitting on the dining room table, as we needed to take them to our meeting in the morning. That night Sonny came home drunk.

Teddy II

The next time I walked with Teddy was different. We walked over to the parking lot, and at the end of the lot straight across from my house was a huge tree. Teddy had put together a little place of refuge for him and his friends. This explained where everyone was going when they walked by my house and disappeared behind that big tree!
There were two old mattresses as a make-shift roof, and an old rug as the floor. Teddy told me to have a seat, and I did. I remember being unsure of what was going to happen, but to my delight, Teddy played music. He told me that he would be right back, and when he returned he had an acoustic guitar with him. I have no idea what he played, I just know I was amazed at watching him play, and he sang as well. Teddy had dark hair, and lots of freckles, and he was a sweet boy. This is the only time I remember him singing and playing guitar for me, but I have always remembered this moment, and known it to be a truly "sweet" expression. I don't know what happened to Teddy, his sister Susie absolutely hated that he liked me, however, I don't think he cared much about that. Whatever happened to him, he has always held a special place in my heart, because it was the first act of kindness I unequivocally remember.
Thanks Teddy.

Teddy

I can't really explain how I felt when he asked me to take a walk with him. We lived next to a shopping plaza that had a big grocery store named Fazio's as the main attraction. Teddy wanted me to walk to Fazio's with him so he could buy some candy. I was thrilled to go with him, mostly because the look of pur hatred Susie gave him made me smile inside. I thought to myself, if Teddy likes me, she will too! He is her older brother and she adores him, so surely she will come around. Rhonda and Susie sat on the steps of Susie's house and just watched as Teddy and I walked through the parking lot and disappeared to the main strip of the plaza. I can't remember a thing we talked about, I'm not sure that we even talked at all. I just know at that very moment, and what felt like for the first time in my life, I was not afraid. Teddy bought his candy and we walked back through the parking lot to our street and there sat the girls waiting. I was afraid of them so I just walked up to my steps and Teddy just said, "see ya," and walked to his house. As I went in the house I do remember this mixed bag of emotions. Happy to have made a friend, but also at this young age, I couldn't shake that they were sitting over there just laughing away at me and making fun of me. This emotion would last most of my 35 years of life.

Cleveland

Though I would never go back to California, for fear it's just going to fall into the great abyss one day, I can't for the life of me figure out what prompted my parents to pick Cleveland, Ohio to pitch their land flag. I remember this of my first moments in Cleveland. I lived on a short street, in a duplex with a little girl that lived next door. Her name was Rhonda, and this would be my first lesson in exclusion. She was best friends with Susie who lived on the other side of us. I guess Susie was high class because she lived in a single home, and well, Rhonda was high class because her family owned the duplex we lived in. Rhonda's family had a pool, and I remember vividly seeing the crystal clear blue water, sunlight shimmering off the top, beach ball floating aimlessly around in circles. I wanted so badly to jump in and feel an escape. Although I almost drowned in California, water became and has continued to be a source of peace and solace for me. Rhonda didn't like me in HER pool. Her parents said we could use it, but my mom said just stay away unless they are out there and ask you to get in. Day after endless summer day, I would watch out the back window with steaming jealousy as Rhonda and Susie and Susie's brother Teddy would frolic, yes frolic, in the pool. I'm pretty sure at this young age of 7 is when I first began to feel rage. Sonny was a drunk bastard everyday, and I had no friends to turn too. Until one day Teddy said, "want to walk with me?"

Blizzard 2008

So clearly I had to break from the bleeding heart crap and discuss this blizzard for a minute! Holy shit it's alot of snow. I am currently plowed INTO my garage, thinking I was being smart parking IN there, ha ha ha. UH, NO! So, I spent my saturday flipping through 3000 channels of absolute stupidity because the entire north east was on the internet. I felt if I had to look at that hour glass for one more second, my computer would join the outside world and be slammed with snow. The view however was fantastic, but man, TV is really and truly an IDIOT box. Thank god for IPODS! I did however find a great Indie flick called "Beautiful Ohio." Really a great movie and I highly recommend.

Til next time....

California III

I'm pretty sure my dad saved me that day on the beach only because my mom was laying right there and was screaming for me. My deepest, darkest thoughts are that if it had been just him and I, he would have let me drown. Finally making his way to somebody for help, knowing it was already too late, he would have conjured up tears and sorrow, and acted as if his love for me was the most precious gift he had ever been givin. My mother would have seen such agony and despair in him, yet found a way to make a life still. These are the thoughts I have never shared, never dared speak aloud, yet somewhere know them to be true. The fact is, he saved me. And the rest of my life began that day.
His name was George, A.K.A. Sonny. The man I knew as my father. That is until I turned 13 years old. That's another story though. I will jump ahead to Cleveland. I was 7 when we moved to Cleveland, with my little brother, George Jr. in tow. Again, I don't remember any of this. It's quite disturbing to know that I travelled across country for three days with a drunk and a four year old and remember not one road, or valley or truck stop or restaurant. Wow.

California II

I lived in California for five years. These years saw the birth of my younger brother, the death of my best friend at the time, none of which I remember. In five years time, I have four memories. And only one of those is a good memory. My mother and I were driving and I remember the sun beaming down and it was hot out. Yet, I looked up in the sky and I saw mountains that were snowcapped. I can only imagine the wonder and amazement my eyes showed to my mother when I asked "how?" My mom explained the whole thing to me as best she could to this little kid sitting next to her and for the moment and still today, I remember that instance of serenity and just being happy.
As for the rest of my life in California, I have relied heavily on family, aunts and uncles to tell me things that they know. I can't help but wonder, when they relay these disgusting things to me, why they left me there. It was an era of "we don't discuss". All I can say now as an adult, if I knew things were happening to a child somewhere in my family, THERE WOULD BE MORE THAN A DISCUSSION.
I will end today with one of my other memories. Now you will have heard of three of the four. I almost drown in the Pacific Ocean. All I really remember is that all but my little hand was under water. My father saved me. Those words make no sense to me. To this day I am left wondering, why? Why did you save me?