A Wish For Death

Walking home from school this day was frightening. Typically, kids were behind me picking on me half way home and I often times fought back with my words which only made things worse. This is something I still do to this day! Anyways, this day, I zoned them all out. I had that stick-up in my book bag and truthfully I wanted to smash it right in their faces. However, they were doing their typical bully bullshit and I heard nothing. I was silent. When a parent tells you to ignore the bully and they will go away, they do not know what they are talking about. This did not work. They kept up a relentless pace of shit but I was so defeated by the stick up under my desk that all I could see was my death. I wanted to die. And not the type of death where your embarrassed and you say, "oh my God, I just wanted to die!" I WANTED death. No one seemed to love or care for me and it was beginning to burden my heart and soul. One person can only take so much and I realized that day that I still had several years of schooling left, so how could I possibly survive? How could I manage to escape this? My mind raced with, "let them all find me dead. Let my dad find me, I will leave a note exclaiming everything he did and all the kids names too." What the fuck was I thinking? I could hang from the church bell and no one would give a shit.